I wanna run

I don’t want to face my problems. I have a few, huge problems I’m struggling with. I have no idea what to do and how to fix them. Maybe I have an idea but I either don’t have the strength to do it or am afraid I can’t do it. I’ve been listening to the Word but for some reason, all I’ve been hearing is that I’m not doing enough. I can’t seem to get the point of the sermons.

In a nutshell, I’m plagued by this realisation: Jesus has forgiven me ALL of my sins and knowing His grace and mercy lets me let God write His laws in my heart and let Him be my God. But why am I not seeing this result in myself?

Long story short, why am I still sinning? AKA: Why am I not perfect yet?

The truth is that. If I’m not sinning, which is the outcome I want to see, I’m perfect. I reason with myself that I just want to be average. As in, I don’t wanna have big sins. I just want small ones I don’t have to feel bad about. That is to say, if the sins are smaller, I feel like my walk with God can cover them.

Writing that out makes me realise that I still, somehow, do depend on my own efforts to please God and be accepted and loved when He already did (and even more) regardless of what I have been doing and will do with my life.

How can this simple truth be so profound for me to understand that even to this day I still struggle believing this fact. I can’t seem to drill this in to my head. Every little thing I do for my spiritual growth, listening to God’s Word, etc, is like an investment I make to cover up for my future sins and when I stop doing them or I have bigger sins that my being goody-two-shoes can’t cover up anymore, I feel stressed and drained out and anxious.

I had improved recently though and I’ve been listening to the Word to hear God and not to make up for my mistakes and shortcomings but the fact that I still measure myself up against some stick or sort of standard tells me that I still don’t understand or believe the gospel completely.

I am at a loss. I don’t know how to do this anymore. I believe but instead of rejoicing, why am I frustrated with myself for not becoming what God said I would become if I believed?

Help.

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